Chapter 9

I decided I needed a break from all the human-business. So I took a break – with so many prayers pending anyway, no one will notice if I slipped off for a couple of light years. And even if they did, who are they gonna complain to, anyway? The only problem was where to go. I decided to creating a new world would just be easier than dealing with inter-heavenly travel. So I did. So there I was, in a new world. No humans, no supreme beings looking over my shoulder and no Satan. Actually I kinda miss him, he is quite good company when he is not trying to s***w me. And I have bought all the dogs over from heaven here. And some cats. I like cats. Though they do seem to like Lucifer more. Thing is a break is all nice and good, but it does tend to get a tad bit boring here. There’s no one to save, no prophets to instruct and no evil to be punished. I think I will call the old gang over, Serpy, Adam, Eve.. make a proper re-union of it. What do you think?

Chapter 8

Somebody called upon me again – he said, Everybody is making his life miserable – wife nags at home, boss rants at office and the rest of the world hoots at him on the way. Everybody claims its Nobody’s fault. But Nobody says that Somebody started it. Somebody is now out of reach – and I am out of my 5 allowed sms’.

Chapter 7

Idiosyncrasy thou name is humans. Sometimes I wonder at the sheer wonder of what I have created. And they are wonderful you know – their imagination exceeds even my widest creations. And their faith…Oh don’t even get me started on the things they believe in and what they don’t.

I never stop wondering at their ability to believe in me and Lucifer – beings they have never seen or heard – except of course after they are dead.They can see and hear us then but strangely enough don’t appear to believe in us much in their afterlife.

Well I shouldn't be surprised – it’s a habit they inculcate while they live.

Like I was saying it never stops to surprise me how they can believe in me in all my forms and fantasies but opt not to believe in the fellow humans around.

Traffic job annoying? Curse God

Want a raise? – Pray to God

Like a girl? Turn to God

Dude! She’s sitting right next to you. Just turn aside and speak to her for my sake. Sometimes I feel like Frankenstein … not the monster.. the doctor who create the monster… mister you should have asked me before you tried that trick. I know what it feels like when your creation turns on you… Tsk! Tsk! Sorry for the rant guys but even I have my bad days and unlike you I simply cannot turn to god for help. Maybe i should call Satan - he will at least get a laugh out of it.

Chapter 6

It had been eons since we all met (literally) and we decided it was time for a reunion. So we all met in the Netherlands the other day (let’s face it, heaven is really not a party place.) It was a blast. But things have surely changed. Adam and Eve are divorced. Adam is now in a relationship with Crawly the Serpent. Eve is a model for Playboy and Cain and Abel have swapped their acrimonious relationship in favour of an incestuous one. Lucifer says this horrible state of affairs should have been his handiwork and is upset that he had no role to play in the way events unfolded. I say “Live and Let Live.” What happens when they eventually die is another matter altogether. Noah couldn’t make it. He is busy modifying his ark but he sent a note saying he was all ready for the next great flood. Sweet! I like it when people stick to the old ways. The four horsemen couldn’t make it either. Apparently such a long journey was proclaimed an act of cruelty by the Equine Preservation Association. All in all it was a good party. The angels got roaring drunk. The hellizens had a devil of a time clearing up. God Jr. finally thinks that I am cool and Lucifer is sulking because the Hell police are after him for partying after hours. Painting hell blue felt real good. We should do this again. Oh, I almost forgot. The apple tree now lives in Narnia and is finally happy. He says the Ice Queen has no problems with anyone plucking and biting his apples. Good for him.

Chapter 5

Sorry folks for the long wait, but it’s been busy as hell up here. Actually that’s a misnomer – Hell’s really chilled out right now. You see people are dying right, left and centre and their claim is that since they have had a chaotic life, they deserve a peaceful afterlife. I can’t very well refuse, you know. It’s in the policy Get born + lead a sad life without complaint – get a great afterlife free! (I sent my lawyer to hell for agreeing to that deal) Anyway, so that’s what’s kept me busy. I asked Lucifer to lend me a politician or two (their presence is enough to dissuade mortals from entering the golden gates of heaven) but he flatly refused. He says Hell’s never been better. The elements of torture conjured up by these delightful men and women are well beyond even his imagination. What's more they have made a profit for the netherwords by making hell a great tourist destination. Since the image of mortals in a state of perpetual angst make fabulous human interest stories, the journalist are having a field day – but no-one wants to stay beyond closing hours, so its chilled out at night. So there’s Lucifer shining under the halo of “creating the best tourist detination” and ejoying a leisurely night out with the rich and elite crowd of mortals. And here I am burdened with complaints of overpopulation, lack of amenities et al. God Help me! Hold on, that’s me. Damn!

Chapter 4

You gotta hand it to these mortals. They have figured out one statement that absolves them from blame in everything and anything they do or don’t do. “It’s not my fault”. And surprisingly, it never is. In the beginning it’s the parents’ fault, then it’s their friends’/spouse’s/ guy-on-the-street/dog-that- peed-on-the-sidewalk/the-blind-man-in- the-next-street etc etc etc’s fault. If that does not work it’s the Government’s fault who says it’s the fault of the not so friendly neighboring country’s fault, who says it’s the fault of the USA. (USA of course does not blame anybody it just puts its nose in the air and ignores everyone). And then of course there’s me. I appear to be the quintessential punching bag for the world below. If you can’t find anyone to blame, it’s Mr God’s fault. Of course it is. I personally went and wrenched off the tap at Somebody’s house so that he could get late to office and get shouted at by his boss which made him scream at his wife which is why she left him Coz that’s what I do. I spend all eternity scheming how to make everybody’s life down there a living hell. That reminds me Lucifer called, he says it’s my fault that hell has space issues. Apparently if I had done my job well, people would not screw up so much and hence would be here with me and not sharing hell with him. He says I should spend more time showing people to be good. Dude how can I? My time’s taken up wrenching off people’s taps! Remember?

Chapter #3

Somebody called – said Everybody wants to meet me about the state of the Earth. I said I don’t have time for Everybody but will meet Anybody, in case has has a solution. Anybody said Somebody had a thought, who said Everybody had multiple ideas. Everybody now says that’s my job. I told them all to go to hell. Lucifer angry – says he has no space left!

Chapter #2

Lucifer called, lucky devil! That guy played it smart. He decided to cater to very a niche audience and by Me, he has it really good. Select but very loyal followers, enjoys every sin imaginable, scares the hell out of my followers and has plenty of time leftover to party with those slutty chicks! Admittedly he scores low on the popularity charts, but his services have real demand. Even Godie Jr prefers him. Now I don’t waana sound like a broken harp, but these that God is a handful. He thinks Lucifer is real cool. Cool? The devil resides in burning hell! But then he does have style. Black and red Vs sissy white? Bah! If I hadn’t been busy listening to my clients, I would have given that designer a piece of my mind. White with halo and wings? Who wears that? And then he goes and gives Lucifer that horny look. What right-minded soul would prefer my look. GAh!

Chapter #1

Mr God was severely depressed. Mrs God was complaining about how he never spent time with her nowadays. Godie Jr was caught partying in hell again and to top it all, his customers were complaining about his deteriorating servicing skills. What can a God do? You create 24 hours in a day thinking its more than enough to cater to a thousand odd people and have enough time left over to be with the wife and kids. Next think you know, people decide to procreate! There are now billions of people demanding your time and effort. The wife’s unhappy and the kids? Don’t even ask! “Virtue is boring”, he says. Who wants to sing songs with those pious angels when you have sexy devils to hang around with – painting the netherworlds red? One must admit, the boy has a point. One must say, on these days, I can’t help but swear. But then its written that thous shalt not swear. I know I wrote that goddamn rule!